domingo, 16 de junho de 2013
Ten Tips to avoid marrying the wrong person.
With the divorce rate above 50%, apparently too many people are making a serious mistake to decide who intend to spend the rest of his life. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these ten points in order not to get into a "cold".
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him / her to change after marriage.
The classic mistake. Never espouses potential. The rule of thumb is: If you can not be happy with the person as she is now, do not get married. As I said, very wisely, a colleague of mine: "In fact, you can expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!"
Therefore, when it comes to spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits of another person, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Be aware of the syndrome "Being in love". "I'm in love" often means "I'm in lust." The attraction is there, but you carefully checked out this person's character?
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to others? As she treats people with which they have to be nice? She does some volunteer work? Give to charity?
Responsibility: Can I trust this person to do what you say you will?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? She enjoys life? Is emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be like this person? I want to have a child with this person? I wish my child to look like her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man does not understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and almost always, is the man who simply "can not." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
For women, the most important is to be loved - feel is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of women. Sexual intimacy is always placed in feminine terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As once said a clever woman, "Man has two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-driven. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, discover what makes his wife very happy. When man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
4. You pick the wrong person because you do not share common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. Chemistry and compatibility
2. Share common interests
3. Share the same goal of life
Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that in common life goals provide. After marriage, the two grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living" while you're single - and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal - two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You pick the wrong person because soon becomes sexually involved.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make correct decisions.
There is no need to "test drive" to find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, no need to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as the main reason people get divorced.
6. You pick the wrong person because they have a deep emotional connection with this person.
To assess whether or not you have a deep emotional connection, ask: "I respect and admire this person?"
That does not mean: "I am impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc..
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" It also means: "He or she is emotionally stable? Feel I can trust him / her?"
7. You get involved with the wrong person because you choose someone who does not feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, relaxed and at peace with this person? Can be completely myself with her? This person makes me feel good about myself? You have a really close friend that makes you feel like that? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Somehow, you are afraid of this person? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person. If you're afraid to openly express their feelings and opinions, then there is a problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you do not feel that the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be aware of someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit, a control statement is made for the benefit of another person.
8. You pick the wrong person because you do not put all the cards on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Talk about uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together. In the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both parties?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can not be vulnerable, then it can not be intimate. The two go together.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional. At best, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he / she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something, while trying to develop another relationship. A person who has not separated from their parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Make sure that you and your partner are free of triangles. A person caught in a triangle can not be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be the number one priority. And this is no basis for a marriage.